I would have never thought that I will write this story with me in the first person. I had read before several articles (well, mostly speed-reading, as in, jumping through it) and watched a few videos about narcissists before, but mainly because it was usually part of the “curriculum” surrounding HSP’s and empaths.
I even started to wonder if that type of personality described in these places does actually exist. And I’m not talking about the person that comes off as ego maniac from the first glance, that type of “Wolf of Wall street” character. Sure, those seem pretty impossible to imagine running into one day as well.
But no, not that type. There is another type. And when I say “type”, I mean more like an archetype, a general description of behaviours and patterns which is not a person, and you will never meet that archetype in real life. More like a taste of what it could be if you would experience it. Because without experiencing them, these theories are just plain nothing.
So rather, let’s dwell into the story.
Or at least I certainly intend it to be so…
I feel like being in front of some grand jury, as I’m trying to write honestly about what happened the last few weeks (which seemed like months), and how nothing is certain…
A few months ago I wrote a long and “deep cutting” post about me finally realizing my attraction to women, and about how I concluded that I’m actually gay. I told this to a friend of mine and also partially to another, very old friend, but in this case without using the word, I just mentioned that I realized I’m attracted to women. And not men. Oh well. Continue reading
During this last week things actually started happening. With me in them. Strange, right?
So imagine me,
quietly sitting in my headspace all the time, analyising, emotional roller-coaster-riding, nitpicking and brain cell-stretching. Me, lately. The last three months at least. Not saying, I have been deep down a lot during these times, touching into the underlying darkness in me, aka my deepest fears. But I started losing balance. I guess action and thought should somehow complete each other. Even if you are more or less introverted and HSP as me, and need your alone time to recharge a lot.
This week life started happening. I think this is what they call “releasing resistance” in spiritual circles.
So this guy from work, with whom I bonded a few weeks ago over a vegan sandwich, has been nagging me for a while to go for some wine with him. I don’t know why wine, there is a story as well, but I don’t remember and it’s probably boring. Continue reading
This is a Romanian movie, I’ve found on Netflix yesterday. Surprise-surprise. I’m actually from Romania, but I have never heard about this one before. Surprising, because it won quite a few awards, including Best actress at Cannes Film Festival. Continue reading
I just realized that I feel the closest to myself, or the most myself when I don’t look at myself being any particular gender.
When I look in the mirror thinking “I’m a woman”, it just feels something is off, something is incomplete. Or exaggerated. If I would say, “I’m a man”, that sounds even more off. I look at myself in the mirror, look into my eyes and I see this neuter being. And when I see this, it feels right, it feels like I’m looking at the “real me”, I’m looking into the core of myself. Continue reading
I’m visiting my parents and thanks to some aggressive local flu (I haven’t had anything like this since I moved away from this place) I’m stuck in the appartment for half the time since I’m here…
The bright side is, I’ve had time to chill – to be with myself, to not run around like crazy, trying to “over-challenge” myself and do everything I haven’t done in one day if possible.
This was my plan, before this holiday: finally, I’ll come alone, without my boyfriend (or should I say, ex-boyfriend?), and I’ll be able to do all those stuff I have never done. Continue reading
I know that we are on the lookout for the happy stories. The inspiring ones. Stories we read/ listen to and realize that we are not the only one, and if this person made it, maybe I can make it too. There is hope.
So we scan like crazy for the stories we can relate to, we bring our own invisible checklist to the process and keep our fingers crossed to be able to check as many boxes as possible. We desperately need to find ourselves in blog posts, articles, book reviews, forum threads, coming out videos.
And this is where it got a bit tricky for me. First of, finding a Youtube video about coming out over the age of 25 is nearly impossible. I’m not even going to discuss here why it is like that, most probably there are many reasons.
But what is even more rare, reaching to the level of inexistent, is finding any resource about self doubt. Associated with the process of coming out to yourself and to others. Continue reading